Finding your circle
A reunion with treasured friends in California
In my early fifties, I had a life-changing choice to make. Would I move almost 600 miles to Eugene, Oregon to take a chance on love? Move from the town I’d lived in for more than 20 years, where I’d raised my son, established a career, and grown a close network of women friends?
The pros
On the one hand, the choice was easy. I’d fallen in love with Michael the day we met in 1978. But back then I was way too young to settle down and impatient to move to San Francisco after I graduated. Still, I often wondered if he was the one who got away. Eventually — after three decades and a divorce — I reconnected with Michael and we began a lovely, but never enough, long-distance romance. The desire to be together in the same town was strong for both of us.
The cons
Still, moving was a gut-wrenching decision. I liked my life in California. I had a job I loved, a book club going strong for 18 years, and a bevy of women friends that I adored. Friends who wanted me to be happy and also didn’t want me to move away. They suggested maybe I should be cautious, living in Oregon part time.
But I knew that if I didn’t go all in, I would never really know if Michael and I were destined to be a long-term couple. So I packed up my belongings, my three cats and a three-legged dog — and a whole lot of fear and trepidation — and landed with a giant moving truck at Michael’s doorstep.
The first year was really hard. Though my relationship was everything I’d hoped it would be, I was lonely. Life with Michael was amazing, but I missed my girlfriends! The ones who gave an ear to my highs and lows and stood by me no matter what. The ones who perused the latest fashions at Nordstrom with me before we bargain-hunted at Goodwill. The ones who knew my history and had watched my son grow up and leave for college. I didn’t have a single girlfriend in Oregon. No one besides Michael knew who I really was or, maybe more importantly, who I had been. Just like Ivy in Wednesday Club, I was a gasping fish out of water. My mom tried to reassure me that it would just take time — that once I began to build new memories with new girlfriends I would feel at home.
The turning point
It was during a dog walk, many months after my move, that I ran into a neighbor walking her dog. We talked briefly and I learned Elizabeth was a writer too. I don’t remember who suggested meeting for coffee but I was giddy at the thought. I was so excited at our first meet-up I blurted out that we should plan to meet once a week! Later, I apologized for my over-eagerness and hoped I hadn’t scared her away. Luckily, I hadn’t.
Over time, my first lovely friend Elizabeth started a writers group and asked me to join. I started a book club, picking up members I met on airplanes or women who were new to town. I joined another treasured writing group. I met more neighbors in the dog park and slowly built more friendships with the incredible women in Eugene.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve continued to stay in touch with my California women friends — and they are indeed golden and cherished. I’ve kept my connections with two other beloved friends who moved away and yet are always close in my heart. And I’ve learned the importance of having girlfriends wherever you are. They fill something necessary and deep. They are clanswomen. Tribe members. Sister-friends.
Creating community
And though I don’t meet with my girlfriends every week, our connections are consistent and welcomed. After living here for more than a decade, I have built precious memories with these friends who make this town feel like my community, just as my mom predicted.
If you don’t already have a tribe you see regularly, or even if you do, consider starting a Wednesday Club of your own. For planned connection. For sharing food and drink and conversation. For making your place of residence truly feel like home.
Because as much as we cherish our partners and children and family members, we all need the nourishment of the heart that only women friends can provide. The ones who care for you like family. Your soul sisters.
** I have some fun ideas for how to start a Wednesday Club – just sign up for my mailing list and I’ll send them to you.